


Heart Murmurs

by tinyandbroken



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff at the beginning, Heart Disease, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sad Ending, Terminal Illnesses, but fate has different plan for them, noren love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29774727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyandbroken/pseuds/tinyandbroken
Summary: "Give me a week and I'll tell you I love you."
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Heart Murmurs

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote and has posted it for other pairing from different fandom, but I just had to make it into noren version you know ;_;
> 
> This is not beta read, and English is not my first language, so please forgive any grammar mistakes.
> 
> Happy reading!

</3

“Lee Jeno! When are you going to finally say that you love me?” the smaller boy pouts, and Jeno’s sure, he’s also at the brink of stomping his right foot on the ground, but knowing how stubborn Renjun _can be_ , he’s sure that the older will just humphs and says that he certainly _will_ _not_ do such a childish thing like _that_. The imaginary image of a cute angry Renjun has him chuckle amusedly, which only spurned the Chinese boy’s pout even more. “Yah don’t laugh! I ask you a question!” And this time, he really do stomp his feet, which resulted in the taller of the two to burst out into a fit of giggles.

“Sorry sorry. It’s just really beyond me how someone can manage to look so cute being angry like this, like a child throwing a tantrum,” he says with a chuckle while patting the shorter boy on the head. Renjun blushes prettily at this, trying to dodge his hand, but gives up in the end anyway. He _loves_ being petted by Jeno, a fact that he’s not really against of admitting, so how could he deny being babied by him? That sure would sounds ridiculous after all.

Renjun just hmphed again and crosses his arms in front of his chest, trying to look intimidating “Hmph, I know I’m cute. Ah, correct that, I’m _the_ cutest person you’ll ever land your eyes on. So stop avoiding my question and just answer me already!” This in turn just earned another fit of giggles from the younger.

“Okay, okay baby, my cutest baby, gosh how can someone be so cute like this,” he says while cooing admiringly at the older.

After what feels like an eternity (when in fact it’s just a few seconds, but Renjun likes to be dramatic sometimes so yeah), he finally calmed himself down, the expression on his face is replaced by this soft look adorned with pretty eye-smile of him that never failed to make the older weak at the knees. “Give me a week and I'll tell you I love you.” Then he pauses for a second too long. “But I have one condition though. You’re not allowed to see me at all during this period of time, could you do that?”

Renjun brows lifted at this. “Why a week huh?”

Jeno just smiles mysteriously and shrugged his broad shoulders at this. “I don’t know, there are so many things happened with number seven you know. There are seven days in a week. Seven seas on the earth and seven colors of rainbow. People said that the earth was created in seven days. Snow white has seven dwarfs who help her. Shakespears said there are seven ages of man. You name it, aren’t you the smart one here?” he teases with a small chuckle.

The older just ignores it and pouts even harder if that’s even possible. “And why am I not allowed to see you though? One week is way too long!”

“Don’t you think it will be boring if I say it just like that? Wouldn’t it made the prize worth even more after some sacrifices? I don’t know, maybe I also have some surprise prepared for you?” he says while wiggling his eyebrows teasingly. “I promise it will be worth the wait Injunnie.”

The nickname never failed to make him feel this tingling sensation from head to toe, but it didn’t stop the way his shoulders just sagged at this. “If that’s what you want Jen. But pinky promise that you’ll really say it next week?” he says while offering his pinky to the younger, which was accepted by the taller boy immediately.

“I promise.”

Renjun smiles brightly at this. “Okay then! Now that you promised, you have to make sure that you’re really keeping your words okay? You know how much I hate liars, right?” Then his expression shifts to look serious, maybe to make himself look intimidating, which ended up failed because Renjun will never look menacing no matter how hard he try. “Or else I’ll chase you across this earth you hear me? And this condition will only start tomorrow right? Then let me get my deserved cuddle session first, I need to charge myself as preparation.”

This resulted in a full blown laugh from the taller. Gosh Renjun really loves the sound of his laughter. “Okay baby, whatever makes you sleep at night. C’mere then, let’s get you charged to the fullest,” he says while coaxes the older into his open arms, which he accepted maybe way too eagerly he practically runs to the younger awaiting embrace, almost knocked them both off of the floor, which thankfully can be avoided by the taller firm state on the ground. It's as if he already expected the smaller boy reaction. Jeno hugs him tight and buries his face in his soft hair, inhaling his sweet scent deeply, as if trying to save it in his memory.

“I got you baby.”

</3

  
"Why would he ask for a week without meeting me Hyuck?! It's not fair for my heart's well being!"

Donghyuck just rolled his eyes at this. The audacity of this boy really. “It’s just a week Huang, it’ll pass before you even realize it.”

This causes Renjun to gasps dramatically at him. “How could you say that? That’s ridiculous! It’s like saying that Sushi is not the most adorable creature that ever walk on this earth, which is stupid and obviously the biggest bullshit because Sushi is _definitely_ the most adorable creature not only on this earth, but the entire galaxy. And you won’t say that if it was Jaehyun hyung who forbids you from meeting him for a week!”

“Stop being overdramatic little guy. And no, I’ll still say that because _my_ Yeonjun hyung is not _your_ Jeno, so he’ll never do something as cruel as that. Please, he can’t even stay away from me for less than five minutes if he can help it.”

Renjun just glares harder at the younger. “Yah! Stop calling me that, I’m not small, and you’re just a few centimeter taller than me, you shortie. And see, you say it yourself that what he’s asking me to do is cruel! Now what should I do? I practically visit him almost every day,” he practically screaming hysterically now, thankfully not accompanied by hair pulling of some sort, which was met with an unfazed look from an unamused Donghyuck.

“I don’t know, maybe you can finally do your homework properly? And help finish mine too if you have that much of a free time.”

“You wish. I do my homework just fine since I’m a good student okay. You’re really no help!” he says while burying his face in his hands and wails loudly.

Donghyuck finally took pity on him and proceeded to run his hand through his hair softly. “But didn’t he also said that the prize will be worth the wait? He said it himself that he’s preparing something for you. Or maybe he just needs some time to collect his heart, confession is not something as simple as you might think Jun.”

The older of the two still haven’t lift his face to meet the younger’s eyes, but he certainly has calmed down enough now. “I know Hyuck, I already experienced that myself if you remember how jittery I was that whole month. But it’s just, the thought of not meeting him really scared me I guess? I’m so used to seeing him every day Hyuck,” he murmurs lowly with a dejected tone in his voice.

“Shh, it’s gonna be okay. He must have his own reasons for that. You just have to trust him. Don’t you trust him?”

“I do Hyuck, I do! He could ask me to jump off the cliff and I’ll gladly do that without a second thought.” At this, he finally lift his head to meet the younger’s eyes. “Maybe you’re right, I’m just being overdramatic here. Jeno won’t ask me something if he thought I won’t be able to endure it. I just need to wait for him and then a week will pass just like that. I guess I’ll be fine. No, I _will_ be fine.”

Donghyuck beams happily at this. “That’s the spirit little guy. Now let’s use that genius mind of yours and help me finish this homework, I think I might go bald soon from all of these numbers.”

Soon, the room was filled with the sound of laughter and playful banters, Jeno’s face forgotten from Renjun’s mind for a while.

</3

He can’t do this. He certainly _can’t_ do this. Why’d he even agreed to this stupid idea? His entire body ached painfully from being away from Jeno for so long, and to think that it’s only been three days. But 72 hours without his fond and amused laugh that’s directed at all of his weird antics and bizarre ideas has proven to almost drive him into frustration. But since he already promised the younger, and since he’s someone who almost always keeps his word, added with the thought of breaking the promise and then disappointing the younger just didn’t sit well with him. So perseverance it is he thoughts dejectedly.

Sure, school and club activities has helped a lot, but when he has nothing left to do, when it’s just him and his mind, he just couldn’t help but missing the younger even more. Especially the way he always seems to listen attentively to almost everything he said and the easy smile that never left his face, as if Renjun is the biggest and funniest entertainment he can get in this world.

He sighs for the umptenth time that day. Might as well do something productive then, he thoughts while proceeded to take out his beloved sketchbook. He thumbs the book page by page, all filled with the face of one person that never seems to leave his mind. The close up of his handsome face, his side profile, his laugh and prettiest eye-smile. It’s as if every part of him has carved it’s way inside his mind and just flows from his fingertips smoothly into yet another page of his sketchbook without him even realizing it. Jeno never really sees the inside of it, but he already knows that Renjun has drawn him sometimes, but he never know how often it actually is.

Renjun wonders how he’ll react when he finally showed the younger that he had drawn him way too often from what he expected him to be.

With that thought in mind, he let his mind wander to their first meeting.

The first thing that came to the forefront of his mind at that time is a song. Some lyrics from a song actually.

  
</3

_“You look so beautiful in white.”_

_And did he just blurted that out loud too?_

_This was met with a stunned look from the black haired boy in front of him. “Huh?”_

_He just couldn’t help it okay, because if there’s one thing he can use to describe the boy, it would be ethereal. Out of this world. Breathtaking. Okay maybe that’s more than one word, but still. The way his dark hair framed his handsome face and contrasted beautifully with his light complexion is just... perfect. And that loose, long sleeved white shirt he wore definitely didn’t help Renjun’s case. Added with the white background surrounding him. He thinks maybe he somehow has landed himself in heaven and this boy in front of him is an angel waiting to take his heart away. Which is not entirely wrong, because it does feel as if his heart has been taken away the moment his eyes landed on the beautiful boy who’s currently looking at him weirdly now._

_  
“Please take a picture with my phone!”_

_Well, that’s definitely not how a first greeting should be, but Renjun just threw all of the formalities to the wind. Never one to disappoint huh, Renjun?_ _  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“I just think that you're really beautiful and I love beautiful things so I want to use your picture as my phone's wallpaper.”  
  
The boy looked dumbfounded for a second, but then actually laughed out loud after.  
  
“You're really something aren't you?” he said while shaking his head and then showing his palm to Renjun._

_“Huh?”_

_The boy chuckles amusedly at his expression, which he sure looks really_ _dumb. “Your phone silly, didn’t you say that you want me to take a picture with your phone?”_

_Gosh the sound of his laugh is just as beautiful as his face. Or maybe it’s just him being really whipped for a boy he just met. Well, whatever. He quickly gave his phone to the boy_ _and found himself watch in awe when he really snapped a selca with his phone._

_“Okay here you go,” he said while giving Renjun’s phone back, accompanied with a smile that caused his eyes to disappear. “And I’m Jeno by the way. What’s your name?”_

_Renjun actually slap his forehead at this. “Right, how can I be so rude. I’m Renjun. It’s really nice meeting you,” he said with a smile._

_“Likewise Renjun.”_

_After that unforgettable first encounter, visiting Jeno naturally become a daily routine for Renjun._

</3

They had their first date on that game cafe. Well, he doesn’t really know what Jeno thinks of that actually, maybe it’s just a normal hang out agenda between friends for the younger, since Jeno didn’t really mention anything about it being a _date_ date, but that doesn’t matter (but maybe it does?), because Renjun certainly has save that in his memory under first date category.

One thing about Jeno that he learned from the younger that day is that Jeno is a hard core gamer. He really _really_ loves playing games, all kind of it, to the point that Renjun thinks he’s like a walking dictionary of every single games that’s ever made out there. Which is _a lot_.

Who would have thought that Jeno, the cool guy who radiates unreachable, popular boy vibe like that is actually a gamer, and a really passionate one. Don’t get him wrong, he definitely has no problem with a gamer, but he thinks Jeno’s just... didn’t have the look? Didn’t radiates the energy?

And when he actually said all of these out loud to the younger, the reaction he got is actually quite satisfying, the way Jeno wheezes so hard while clutching his side definitely _did_ something to him. He couldn’t help but feel even more endeared for the younger, if that’s even possible at this point.

After finally calmed himself down enough so that he can be heard clearly without stuttering, he said with a playful smirk on his face. “Well, you never know. Looks can be deceiving don’t you think?”

Maybe he didn’t really get what Jeno meant by that, but what can he do really. He’s definitely a goner now. That smirk is certainly illegal it shouldn’t be thrown around carelessly and goes straight to his heart like _that_. If his mind has blanked for a few second, then that smirk is the one that should be blamed. Oh, and maybe the way Jeno’s face lights up when he chatted excitedly while playing his favorite game contributed to that. But not that he’s complaining anyway. Because he definitely agrees when Jeno commented that the cafe serves the best food and have the best couch.

Oh, he just can’t wait to go home and save this day in his memory book with details about them _cuddling together_ on the couch while the taller talks animatedly about the rules of the game, what character he likes to play the most, and all of the things Renjun can’t seem to grasp in his head just yet. But he can’t deny that Jeno’s talking voice really did something to his inside.

At this point, Renjun is more than sure that he’s already so whipped for the younger.  
  
And after that maybe, maybe he won’t feel too guilty about looking up the terms that he’s missed during their _little date_.

  
</3

The first time they held hands, Jeno sweats porfusely while Renjun feels the warmth from the younger’s hand coursed throughout his body.  
  
“I'm nervous okay? It's the first time I ever held someone hand beside my mom's and dad's so don't give me that judgmental look!” Jeno had defenses himself loudly, while his face burned bright red.

Cute.  
  
“I didn't! I'm just so happy that I got to be your first experience in handheld,” he said while tightening his hold on the younger’s bigger hand. “I like holding your hand,” he added while giving him the sweetest smile he could muster.

If the taller’s face just turns redder after that, he didn’t make any comment on that.

  
</3

The first time Jeno calls him baby and held him in his arms.

Renjun remembers crying so hard that night, waiting for the vet to comes out from the operation room. He’s trembling so hard it feels like the earth was tilted on it’s axis, everything looks blurry from the tears that keeps pouring down from his eyes. He can still remembers vividly the image of Sushi lying unmoving on the floor when he arrived home, barely breathing with his eyes closed.

Jeno just sits there with him, holding him tight in his arms while whispering sweet nothing to his ears. “Shh, it’s gonna be okay baby. Sushi’s gonna be okay. He’s a strong boy okay? You have to trust him.”

And Renjun just buries himself deeper in that warm cocoon, trying to muffles out his whines and cries.

Thankfully the operation went well.

Renjun cries again after that, but one of relieve.

And never once does Jeno lets him go from the embrace of his strong arms that night.

</3

Renjun really can’t take it anymore. He really _really_ misses the older.

To hell with fulfilling his promise.

And that’s why, on that bright Sunday morning, he found himself standing in front of Jeno’s hospital room.

One might think that with how often he came there, he’ll get used to the white walls and sterile scent of the whole building. He’ll get used to the grief and sorrow that surrounds that particular section of the hospital, where cardiac and vascular patients are being treated.

Even if some of them won’t be staying there long enough to see themselves heals and out of the hospital in joy.

Most often than not, it’s actually the opposite.

Renjun knows of what will greet him at the other side of the door, but it still didn’t help prevent his heart from dropping to his stomach with a loud bang.

There, lying on that crisp white sheet of the hospital’s bed, is his beloved Jeno.

His Jeno that looks so pale he almost blends perfectly to the whiteness of the sheet. His newly dyed light brown hair just seems to emphasize the paleness of his face even more.

His Jeno that has his eyes closed and no beautiful smile in sight, looking so thin compared to the last time he saw him, even if it’s only been a few days.

His Jeno with all of those hideous pipes connected to his body, and the beat of his heart that’s displayed on the monitor at the other side of the room that sounds so weak, _too_ weak for Renjun’s liking.

He knows what all of this means. He’s the son of the doctor that treated Jeno after all. His father’s job is the reason of their meeting, it’s as if the fate just decided to cross their path to each other this way.

And Renjun is thankful and despises fate at the same time.

He’s thankful that he got to meet Jeno, he’s thankful for it every single day, every single second, don’t get him wrong, but why would fate decided to bring him the love of his life, but at the same time spitting the fact that he’ll lose him soon in his face? As if shoving it in his face saying, “Okay this boy is destined for you but you only had a few months maximum to be with him.”

‘Cause what? How could they do that to someone like that?

Fate is really cruel.

He drags his heavy foots closer to the bed, inspecting Jeno’ serene sleeping face. Even looking so pale and with death looming above his head like this, Renjun thinks Jeno is still the most beautiful boy he has ever seen.

_He looks so beautiful in white._

And the reason why he wore white that day is because one feature of Jeno Renjun learned about in that short period of time, is that he's a really stylist person.  
  
_“Nah, don't you think that hospital's light blue gown looked a little too boring for my handsome face?” he had said jokingly, but Renjun can also see the sadness that resides in the depth of his dark eyes._  
  
Jeno is beautiful. And he should be out there, thriving and charming people right and left because Renjun can't even imagine people not falling in love with him immediately at the first sight.

But no, since life is cruel and has a terrible sense of joke, especially to the most beautiful and the kindest person to ever walk on this earth, Jeno ended up has to stay in bed most of the time, unable to do what he loves to do the most. Dancing. Singing. Performing. So that's why their 'date' always ended up in places like game or cat café (despite him being allergic to cat fur), or the hospital's garden since the younger is heavily prohibited to do heavy activities that will overwork his heart.

And Renjun _really_ hates it.

“Jen…” he whispers softly, almost too silent maybe he’s the only one who can hear it.

But Jeno is actually stirs at this, as if knowing that his beloved Renjun is near so he shouldn’t waste his time sleeping and misses the chance of seeing him directly in front of him.

When Jeno finally opens his eyes, he looks at Renjun as if he’s still dreaming, as if he couldn’t believe his own two eyes, that Renjun is really standing there, inside the dull room that has witnessed the memories they created there.

“Injun..” he calls softly while reaches his hand towards the smaller weakly, trying to cups his cheek. Renjun helps him halfway, almost shuddering from how cold his hand feels. Jeno's hands have always been cold, but there's another kind of chills that just run downs his spine upon the touch. It feels.. colder somehow.

Renjun is trying hard to hold back tears. He’s _trying_ okay, but seeing his beloved one, the love of his life in this weakened state makes it feels as if thousand knives are being pierced straight to his heart. He couldn’t stop the lone tear that finally escaped. “Hi there,” he whispers silently with a slight tremble, not sure whether it’s from his vocal cord or from the way his body shakes. It’s so silent, as if the wind will take Jeno away from him if he raises his voice even slightly above a whisper.

“You’re here.”

And Renjun finally lets the tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I’m here, ‘cause you, of all people, should know how stubborn I can get. And no way that I’d let you go by yourself just like that. My face should be the last thing you see.” He tries to joke lightly, smiling despite the tears that just refuses to stop.

And Jeno chuckles, despite the sorrow that’s reflected in his eyes. It’s the look of resignation, the look you had when you know there’s just some things in life that you couldn’t get no matter how hard you try. That there’s just some things that didn’t mean to be.

“I guess it will be the best parting gift I don’t deserve then. Thank you for breaking the promise for me Injunnie,” he said weakly, accompanied with a small smile, much too small for his usually wide and bright smile.

And then he closes his eyes.

</3

The next time he opens his eyes, Renjun is lying beside him, sleeping soundly. His hand automatically moves to cards his fingers through the soft tendrils, repeating the motion over and over, as if it’s the most natural thing his hand could do.

His Injunnie is really beautiful, even with the prominent bags under his eyes. Jeno frowns slightly at this. Does his baby didn’t get enough sleep these past few days? He feels a pang of guilt in his chest. God he’s always being a burden for everyone around him huh? His parents, his friends, his beloved Renjun.

But soon, their burden will be gone, and he hopes, _hopes_ that even if there’s nothing more he wants beside for them to moving on from him as soon as possible, he also couldn’t help but _hope_ that they’ll save a small spot at one corner of their heart for him.

That he will not be only a name they once know.

God thinking about it like that really hurts.

Being forgotten, only a blurred name that remains, soon to be forgotten.

As if sensing his restlessness, the small boy in his arms started to squirm and tightening his hold on the younger, as if trying to soothe all the doubts that’s brewing in his head away.

_‘You’ll always be in our heart.’_

The wind brings the unspoken whisper, and it calmed him down, lulling him back to the dreamless sleep once again.

</3

They said if the new heart has no trouble adjusting to his body in seven months for the first adjustment stage, then in two years for the final, then there should be no further problem for the heart transplant. He will still needs medication, and some therapy after, but two years is the mark that will signify the difference. Two years to know that he’ll _live_ ; continue living in this mortal world.

He’ll be lying if he said that he’s not happy, _relieved_ when the first seven months passed with nothing out of ordinary between his body and his new heart. He lets a glimmer of hope rouses inside his chest.

Maybe he _can_ hope.

But then his new heart started to feel weird, strange. It beats as if it didn’t belong there.

And then he meets Renjun.

How cruel, meeting the love of his life when he knows that everything will crumble any time now.

He was roused from his daydream by the sound of strange thumping of his heart. He wants to believe that maybe it’s just the way his heart sings, calling for Renjun. He wants to see it through a rose colored glasses and hear it through a fluffy white ear buds.

His heart didn’t sound the same. Instead of the normal "lub-DUP" sounds that the heart usually produces, his heart sounds as if it was whooshing and swishing inside his rib cage. The doctor, Renjun’s father, said that it was made by turbulent blood in or near his heart. And he knows that it usually means bad thing. It’s what heart murmurs is after all, an indication of an underlying heart problem.

God he hopes he was given more time. It’s just a few months until he can passes the two years mark.

There are things he regrets in life. Things he wants but couldn’t have, couldn’t do.

And one of it is about not meeting Renjun sooner.

Because maybe, _maybe_ that would mean that they could have more time together, right?

</3

Renjun is sleeping, but he thinks he heard it.

_‘I love you._

_Until the end of time.’_

</3

When Renjun wakes up, Jeno is gone.

He’s gone without saying goodbye.

Maybe he wants to spare Renjun. But who was he kidding anyway. Renjun is a crybaby, and there’s no way he _won’t_ cry after this.

He’s gone without saying goodbye.

But there’s smile on his lips, and a whispered _Iloveyous_ at the tip of his tongue.

He’s gone, and Renjun thinks he has lost his heart too.

</3

Renjun found a square box inside Jeno’s hospital room closet. There’s a _‘For Renjun’_ written at the top of the lid. His heart trembles when he holds it in his cold hands, because at one glance, he already knows what that is.

Jeno’s parting gift.

God why would he do that, he just barely send him away a few minutes ago. Or a few hours ago. He didn’t know. Doesn’t care anymore.

Because the fact remains unchanged.

Jeno has left him.

Despite the wrenching pain in his heart, he opens the box, and found a few items lying inside. There’s a flash disk, a few CDs, a samoyed keychain (so that Renjun will always remember him?) and a round glass jar with many small heart origami inside. There’s also a note plastered on top of the jar’s lid.

_My heart is always strange._

_It’s as if it’s not my own._

_But maybe it’s because my heart never really belong to me,_

_because it’_ _s always been_ _yours since the beginning._

_These hearts will represent the times,_

_when I couldn’t say ‘I love you’ to you_.

And when he looks at the glass jar again, finally taking a proper look this time, he realizes that there’s _a lot_ of it. The heart. The hearts that represent Jeno’s lost heart. As if there’s thousands of whispered _Iloveyous_ hidden inside the carefully folded paper. And upon closer inspection, Renjun can see that there’s some miniscule crumple present at every heart, almost unnoticeable, but it’s there. And Renjun will be blind to not have noticed what those crumples are. There’s no mistake of it. The remnants of dried up tears, as if Jeno couldn’t help but let his tears fill up every single heart. _As if_ there’s a tear that accompanied every whispered _Iloveyou_.

When he opens one heart, there’s something written there. He just realizes that there’s another note behind the one he just read.

_People has those bucket list or things to do before I die things,_ _  
but not with me.  
Here, in this jar, are wishes I know will never come true.  
The possibilities of you and me.  
The possibilities that I can only write on pieces of paper,_

_because it's the simplest things I wish to do in daily life with you._

And written there, in tiny hand written letters, are Jeno’s wishes.

_I want to wake up next to you every morning and be the last person you see before sleep claims you every night._

_I want to dance with you even when there's hip hop song playing at the background._

_I want to tell you how beautiful you are every single day._

_I want to teach you how to play those games you always complained about, but I know for a fact thay you secretly enjoys it._

_I want to cook for you. And eat what you cook for me without any prohibition._

_I want to live with you._

_I want to be with you._

_I want to spend every single second I have in this world with you._

_I want to love you and prove it to you._

_I want to grow old with you._

And every _I want_ that breaks Renjun heart the more those broken paper-heart piled beside him.

The gut wrenching sobs he lets out wrecked his whole body, but he didn’t care. It’s painful. It’s way too painful and there’re no strong arms that will hold him close now. There’s no one who will wipes his tears away.

Renjun is alone, he’s alone because the love of his life is not here anymore.

</3

Renjun finally checks what’s inside the flash disk a week after Jeno’s gone.

Jeno _is_ gone.

Those words still leave a bitter taste in his mouth.

But what can he do? Jeno is gone and there’s nothing he can do about that.

Turned out the flash disk contains a video of Jeno inside. His breath hitched when he’s suddenly face to face with smiling Jeno. The ever beautiful, always smiling Jeno he misses so much. He’s sitting near his hospital room window, soft light brown hair, in a loose long sleeved shirt and looking so beautiful. Always so beautiful and now he's also _so_ unreachable. That fact hurts. _So_ much.

_“Oh, it’s started already? You should’ve warned me before_ _Na_ _.”_

And there’s the infamous Jeno’s pout he misses so much displayed on the screen, as if to mock him. He misses Jeno so _so_ much it physically hurt. Because what’s good about seeing something, wanting it, but also knowing that you’ll never have it in your arms?

God Renjun thinks he won’t be able to continue watching this without breaking down. But the Jeno inside the screen just continues on, as if without a care about Renjun’s wellbeing.

_“Okay, so, it might sound cheesy, doing something like this. I know it’s cheesy. But I just, I don’t know how to do this any other way. I might ended up crying in front of you if I do this directly. And I look ugly when I cry, and I want to be remembered as handsome Jeno okay, so this should do,_ ” screen Jeno says and then grins sheepishly after.

Renjun’s heart clenches at this.

_“First of all, I want to say sorry. For lying. For breaking the promise. I just, I watch a scene from a drama some time ago. And the main actor, the dying one, is promising the same thing. Give me a week and I’ll tell you I love you. And then he’s gone. He’s gone before the promised week. But in the letter he mentioned that if you can live without seeing me for a week, then you’ll surely be okay without seeing me again. So I thought I could, I can do it like that too._

_But it’s hard._

_I almost run to you every single minute I was away from you._

_But you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve someone with limited time like me. You deserve someone better, someone who has more, someone who has_ time,” he whispers brokenly.

_“It’s been only a few months, but it’s as if I’ve known you my whole life. But God's time is definitely different from ours, because suddenly I was running out of time. I can_ ' _t say that you_ ' _re in my mind every second of it but you_ ' _re certainly there in every minute of it._ _Maybe that’s also the reason why it feels as if time flies so fast when I’m with you. God I wish we were given more time. I really wish I can spend the rest of my waking moment with you._ _But I know that won_ ' _t be fair to you_.. _.”_

His vision starts to blur, but seems like screen Jeno is not finished yet.

_“Renjun, if I can trade everything I had with more time with you, I will. God, I swear_ I will _. But there’s nothing I have left. I’m just an empty shell. A burden to everyone around me._

_And there’s nothing I can offer to you.”_

Renjun shakes his head violently and wails desperately, as if screen Jeno can hear him. Tears keep streaming down his face like waterfall. “Nonono, there’s nothing I ask from you. I only want you. I only need you beside me. I don’t need anything else. Please Jeno I _need_ you here.”

But screen Jeno can’t hear him. Silence is the only spectator of how ever second that passes just breaks their heart even more.

_“I wish that you’ll find your happiness Injun. Happiness you deserve. And I… I wish you can find someone that will make you happy.”_ Tears has started to run down Jeno’s face freely now _. “God I thought I can sincerely wish for your happiness with someone else. But imagining you with someone else, someone who’s_ not me _just hurts so much. I don’t want to see other people making you happy. I_ want _to be the one who makes you happy. I want to spend every single second I have in this world with you._ _I want to see you happy_ with me _. Gosh I have nothing, yet I still have the audacity to be egoistic huh?”_

Renjun is crying over crying Jeno, separated by a stagnant screen that has become the witness of the confession he has hidden at the deepest part of his heart.

_“Renjun, my love, if I’m allowed to be egoistic for one last time, I just hope that you will not forget me as soon as I’m gone. I hope it’ll take some time for you to finally move on from me. But please always remember that there’s nothing more I want in this world other than your happiness okay? So please, please love, you should be happy for my part too okay?_

_I love you Huang Renjun. I love you until the end of time.”_

_And then screen Jeno is gone, leaving nothing but black and emptiness behind him._

_He’s gone without realizing that he has brought Renjun’s heart along with him._

_A heart that he can never return._

_< /3_

**Author's Note:**

> I write this and even reread it a few times, but it didn't stop me from crying.
> 
> Tell me what you think about this? [Twitter](https://twitter.com/solarpudu)


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